The Joy of Kerns
It’s another beautiful day in the village.
National attention has been brought to the Kerns Neighborhood of Portland as one of the best neighborhoods in the world. My first two apartments were in the Kerns Neighborhood, so I went back to look at what a wonderful place Kerns is to visit. In this article I list wonderful features of this neighborhood that have been missed by other media outlets. So if you have relatives visiting this holiday season, be sure to share this article with them so they can know the joy of Kerns.
Dispersed Camping
Portland is an expensive place to visit. One way to reduce the cost is to go camping instead of staying at a vacation rental. Although camping on the city streets is illegal, it takes several months for the city to remove a camp after it is established. That means camping is legal if you are only visiting for a few days or weeks. If you have an RV, the city has a mobile unit to remove your wastewater. Can’t afford an RV? Multnomah County will provide you with a free tent and tarp.
With rural dispersed camping you need to bring a shovel for your bodily waste disposal, but in Portland you can urinate and defecate right on the sidewalk.
Charming Ruins
Why go to Europe to visit an abandoned castle or manor house when there are many lovely ruins of abandoned commercial buildings in Kerns. There is also the bonus that it is OK to camp in the ruins.
Public Art
Why go to Asia and Europe to see art when you can see fabulous public art for free in Kerns. The plywood on the abandoned store fronts has some of the best artwork for free viewing.
Contributing to climate change while dinning outside
Eating at restaurants is a luxury experience. Believing that we are in a climate crisis is a luxury belief system. In the Kerns Neighborhood there is the trendy over-priced Pambiche restaurant, where you can dine outside while large heaters heat the air around you. What could be better than to dine in heated outdoor winter air while stating your concern that the world has only 10 more years left? When you post photos of your food on your social media accounts, but sure to include photos of those big, beautiful heaters.
Car Watching
The apartments in Kerns are expensive and they do not come with parking spaces. The good paying jobs that residents of Kerns need to pay the rent are in the suburbs and you need a car to get to work. That means there are cars are everywhere lining the residential streets. Kerns is one of the best neighborhoods to see what cars are popular with Portland’s affluent and eco-conscious residents.
What about making the Portmeirion Village in Wales a great neighborhood?
The Portmeirion Village is a Mediterranean style resort community in Wales. The reason I bring it up is that the Democratic Party Convention with its astroturf joy reminded me of the 1967 miniseries The Prisoner. The outdoor scenes were filmed at Portmeirion. In the TV show people who did not express the correct opinions were smashed with a giant weather balloon that came bubbling up out of the water. (They did not have drones back then.) The residents of the fiction community known as “The Village” in the TV show were forced to live there and participate in fake “joyful” resort community activities. In Portland, in neighborhoods like Kerns, people with money chose to enter an affluent urban echo chamber of soulless consumerism. Portland has become an affluent city in which only a set of narrow-minded luxury beliefs about race, gender and the climate are allowed to be expressed. For example, one of the expensive food stores in Kerns has a land acknowledgment on their website.
When people in the media state that Kerns is a great neighborhood, they mean the section of NE 28th from Burnside to Glisan. They think that the trendy over-priced shops, restaurants and cocktail bars that are popular with young single people with more income than sense are what makes a neighborhood great. There is no community center, senior center, medical center or children’s playground to cater to the needs families or the needs of several generations in Kerns. You move to Kerns to pleasure yourself, not raise a family.
The reason there are cars sprawled out everywhere in neighborhoods like Kerns is because the city thinks that making sure all new housing has no parking will make people give up their cars and stop climate change. The affluent residents of Kerns most likely agree that we are in a climate crisis, but will not give up their cars, or dining next to large outdoor heaters.
I have to wonder if people really enjoy eating expensive meals next to large heaters on noisy streets. Or is it all just the sort of faked joy that you see in the TV show The Prisoner?
Portland is a city where it is hard to ask questions of the people in power such as why there is no parking lots with housing; why have all the women’s bathrooms been removed from all the schools, parks and libraries? Why do none of the local reporters or politicians concerned with “climate justice” question outdoor heaters at expensive restaurants? And finally, why do people in the media think the Kerns Neighborhood is one of the great neighborhoods in the world?
Maybe this sign from The Prisoner explains the attitude:
Or this sign:
Be seeing you.